So, since I just got a Wii U, I
felt it necessary to play nothing but it for like a month with as many games as
possible until I finally realized that no Wii U games are meant to be played
except Smash and Splatoon. Or Mario Party if I'm ever not in the mood for fun.
One of the games I came across was Hyrule Warriors. The first thing you have to
realize is that this is not a Zelda game by any stretch of the imagination. And
I'm not just talking about naming or licensing. There's no puzzles and the ones
that there are make you want to throw the game out the window. The game has a
closed level structure unlike the unbroken world structure of Zelda games. The
map is swarming with enemies and I mean literally swarming with enemies. As in
you are fighting an army of monsters in each level. But I think what really
makes you realize that this isn't a Zelda game is the fact that it's easy to
have fun. As I've said, there's no real puzzles, it takes 2 slashes to kill a
thousand enemies, and the game is generally fast-paced. You don't ever actually
have to think nor do you have to read any of the dialogue. And the game's plot
plays out roughly the same as the plot of a fanfic crossover between a bunch of
different Zelda games that started with "Hey, who would win in a fight:
Fi, Navi, or Midna." The game desperately tries and fails to trigger the
nostalgic impulses of aging Zelda fans like myself and occasionally does... for
like two seconds. In reality, it's difficult to say who this game was for. You
could say it's for Zelda fans, but it's completely devoid of the mental sit-ups
that Zelda games are known for. You could say it's for people who like Zelda
lore but don't want to bother with the puzzles, which is probably where I fit
in, but that kind of makes me feel like a lazy jack ass. You could say it's for
Dynasty Warrior fans so that Nintentdo could make all of them into new Zelda
fans, but I feel silly even saying "Dynasty Warrior fans". But then
there's that last demographic that you always need to keep in mind when doing
this sort of thing: little kids. Those little bastards take just about
everything Nintendo tries to give us. Whenever they say "Let's make a new
game for all our fans to enjoy!" all the mothers of little Pokemon kids
are all like "Make it for our five year olds exclusively or we walk."
I kind of feel bad for Nintendo in that regard. They've built up their
reputation as this family friendly company that little kids and adults alike
can play. But over the years that whole idea has become a mute point since the
no one bothers with ratings anymore. Now, the same day I bought Splatoon, a ten
year old in front of me was buying Battlefield. But Nintentdo can't change at
this point. If the made a more mature game, they'd instantly get ridiculed for
losing their family friendly image. And if they stay in their current rut,
they'll still be overlooked by all the little CoD players and continue to
disappoint all the adult fans. Don't get me wrong; we're not expecting you to
just give us a game with Princess Peach in some tight lace number that makes
Nier feel E rated (if you don't get that joke, play Nier immediately), but we
just want a game that takes our abilities and standards into consideration.
There's still time to show us what Goomba's blood looks like. In all honesty,
Nintendo just needs to update their model of the world, something they haven't
done in about 30 years. 5-year-olds play Call of Duty, and 25-year-olds play
Splatoon. Ya don't need to be Sony or Microsoft; just realize your full
potential. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rep Marshmallows in the August
Splatfest. Hot Dogs are for chumps.
No comments:
Post a Comment