Movie Review #1: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Hey, person! Are you going to see the new Star Wars? Wait a second. Why do I need to ask when I already know that you're a person? Of course you are! But now here's the problem: You shouldn't. I don't normally review films, but this one was just so heartbreakingly bad that I just knew from the moment I walked out of that theater that I had to let the world know. And in this review, I'll be covering character developing moments pretty in-depth, so careful of spoilers.

The first thing you'll notice is that this movie is eerily similar to the the fourth (or just the first if you deny the existence of the prequels): in the last few seconds before he gets captured, someone that you don't care about yet puts something we don't know the full importance of yet into a robot we all already love. The robot then treks across a dessert until it gets to some rag tag kid who's probably gonna be a Jedi. (Oh and there's some shit about a Black storm trooper going on at the same time in the new one, which actually started out quite well, but then since they realized they were about to make an actual new story, they scrapped the ending and just finished off their "A New New Hope" plot). And there's also this new big bad guy who has a badass mask and rightfully acts like a badass... Until he takes it off. Could they have possibly picked a worse actor to portrait Kylo Ren? He looks like a Jewish version of Jon Snow and talks like a complete loser. Every part of him that you thought was edgy and intimidating will from then on just look like him being a whiny bitch. After that point, which is only about halfway through the film, you'll never be able to take Kylo Ren seriously anymore, even when he puts the mask back on! Just a few minutes after he takes the mask off, he has it on again while having a fit of rage. Now if he had never taken his mask off, you would find this somewhat intimidating, maybe even epic. But since you know what he actually looks like, you just see him as a toddler having a fit. Why? For what purpose? His face isn't even important because you already know who he is before this, and even if you didn't, seeing his face wouldn't even give you the first clue. If I haven't hinted enough yet, Ren isn't Luke in any sense whatsoever. Ya wanna know what Luke is? The cameo that paid for the sequel! His one appearance is the very last scene that ends on a "What's gonna happen next?!!!!!" moment that basically turns the movie into a contract to watch the next one. I didn't even enjoy this one! In Empire, they do a thing like that and make the next movie mandatory viewing, but Empire was good! And Jedi was good. But this movie doesn't deserve a cliff hanger like that.

Also, the story takes completely unnecessary turns that, in more than one case, just defy the movie we saw in all the advertising. "Oh, it turns out that Rey was the true inheritor of Luke's lightsaber, not Finn!" Well that's boring. Like I said before, Finn's character and story were the only tolerable thing about this film, and the fact that they took away his acceptance into the cool guy club just proves that they didn't want to risk making a new story. Well, here's a thought: Maybe you should, I don't know, operate under the assumption that you don't have a choice. No other franchises just copy their best success and expect to do just as well with it, because it's a known fact that the copy is volumes worse than the original for whatever reason. And the reason this copy was worse was in all truth for one reason: Expansion.

Instead of one in-over-his-head rebellion recruit who's gonna end up with a lightsaber, let's have 2 and have them be a woman and a Black storm trooper! Instead of one masked (implied) badass, let's have 2! Instead of a Death Star that can destroy a planet, let's have a Death Planet that can destroy 6! And because they expanded the first movie's content without really even expanding the running time, none of the new content is given enough time. The new silver storm trooper with the name I can't spell makes no impact on the story behind giving them a chance to make a trash compactor joke. They never give me a reason to care about Rey until they held up the sign that said "Care about Rey now." And Ren being the son of Han Solo was barely more than a detail that gave us some connection to Ren so that we don't have another one of those "General Grievous exists, by the way" moments from the last movie. Even when Ren kills Han, I didn't even care. Provided it was 1 in the morning at that point, but when a movie truly makes me not care about Han Solo– no, Harrison Ford in general, you're doing it wrong.

And so in all these ways, Disney has managed to do the impossible: They made a Star Wars movie that could very well be worse than Episode 1. The story is uninspired, the characters are undeveloped, and the title is literally a throw away line. Long live Jar Jar Abrams.

Off Topic with The LKIF: My Top Five Games of All Time

So since this site just achieved the milestone of 1000 page views (and yes I'm treating that as a milestone) I decided to do something a little different today. If it hasn't occurred to you quite yet, I like video games, and I have some pretty strong opinions about several of them. I have ones that I absolutely love and couldn't live without, and I have ones that wish would just stop existing. So I think it's time for you all to know exactly how I feel about my top and bottom five games of all time. Now these will range from games that I feel are the most important to me to ones that I feel are the best they could possibly be to games that I have literally returned for 10% of the original price. Of course, will be explaining my choices, but they definitely won't amount to the size of a full review. So without further ado, let's get on with the list.

5. Pokemon HeartGold/ SoulSilver

As I've said before, Pokemon has basically always been a part of my life and none more so than the Johto region's offerings. I grew up with the Johto anime and have a strong connection with the region, its lore, and nearly all of its Pokemon. So, when the remake of the original 2nd generation games came out, I was pretty hyped. I mean, I was ten, but I was as hyped as a ten-year-old could be. And I must say, it was with perfect reason. Pokemon hasn't changed much over the years and I’m glad of it. Although many are claiming that its formula is getting a bit stale but I haven't grown anywhere close to tired of it. If you know me personally, I'm a big fan of old JRPGs that haven't been tainted by modern game design yet, and that's mostly because of Pokemon. HeartGold was only my second Pokemon game as well, my first being Pearl, so I have plenty of personal attachment to this game in particular. And finally, THIS GAME IS THE BEST POKEMON GAME EVER. It just succeeds as a Pokemon game on so many levels. And that's why I feel right about giving it the starting position on my list.

4. Xenoblade Chronicles

How can I put this grand adventure into perspective. This game almost perfectly blends the narrative mastery and turn-based feel of Japanese RPGs with the exploration capabilities and action-y combat of Western RPGs. The game is filled to the brim with quests that if you looked at from far away you couldn't tell the difference between but they never feel tedious. There's miles upon miles of area to explore and every place you go to has something to do, and if not, at least it probably has a view. And the story is one of the best on the Wii. I can't say much about it, and even if this were a full review, I probably wouldn't say a lot about it because Xenoblade Chronicles is an experience that I'd recommend to anyone with a Wii (or a New 3DS [or a Wii U {or a connection to YouTube if you're that desperate}]). And if you're wondering about my thoughts on the spiritual successor, Xenoblade Chronicles X, you could probably check back after Christmas...

3. Splatoon

I can't say enough good about this game. I wanted this game so much that I asked for it for my birthday, then got impatient and bought it myself, and that extra two or three days playing was totally worth pissing off my parents. This game is essential to anyone with a Wii U. Spreading ink everywhere you go is so soothing to the average OCD gamer that when you try to go back to another shooter, you'll be depressed to find that shooting the ground won't do anything and then immediately go back to playing Splatoon because you can definitely get another game in before you have to go to bed or school or work or your wedding or your birth... My point is Splatoon is going to be my favorite shooter for a long time which is why it's been able to get a spot on this list without even being an RPG. And now back to your regularly expected genre.

2. Kingdom Hearts II

I love Square Enix. I like Disney. I didn't expect to even care about Kingdom Hearts. But a few years ago, my friends convinced me to play it and I was blown away. The game just felt right. The story was well-crafted, the gameplay was balanced and made me feel powerful, and the crossover elements were just crazy enough to be fantastic. And the sequel enhanced on every part of it. Every system was expanded upon or replaced with a better one. The story was enhanced, lengthened, and made to hit the feels harder. Though many will say that Nobodies made Kingdom Hearts into a narrative shitstorm where nothing is canon and everyone is Xehanort, I found the will to somewhat comprehend the story and I love it. And if Kingdom Hearts 3 ever comes out, it'll be on top of my To Play List. But this isn't my favorite game ever. Before we get to that game, let's take a look at some honorable mentions:

Super Smash Bros Melee

This was quite possibly the first game I ever played, and the fact that I still occasionally play it today speaks volumes.

Borderlands 2

The first-person shooter that made me stop hating first-person shooters. It's probably because of Claptrap.

Super Smash Bros Wii U

Such a great game to just kick back and have fun with. Great local multiplayer; great online multiplayer; great single player experience; and compatibility with the only controller that matters.

1. UnderTale

What can I even say? This game is, without a doubt, my favorite game of all time and doesn't look like it's about to be topped anytime soon. I love every inch of this game. The story is compelling and keeps you coming back for more every time you finish; the battle system is intensely innovative and should be in every game; and the world is fleshed out in a way that only modern RPGs have been able to do beforehand. I've tried hard, but I can't find one thing glaringly wrong with this game. Sure it could be better but only in the same way that Donald Trump could be louder, but does he really need to be for you to call him a basket case and yes I am bringing that expression back. So what's stopping me from calling this game a Masterpiece. You could say this is my game of the year, but I wouldn't say that. UnderTale means far more to me than just better than every other game this year. UnderTale is a game I'll be replaying, raving over, and fondly looking back on for the rest of my life. UnderTale is more than my game of the year; it's my Game of the Lifetime.

If you enjoyed seeing me gush over the games I unconditionally love, perhaps you'd like to see me rant about the games I loathe. So come back (hopefully, at my rate) next week to see my bottom five games of all time.

When that goes up, the link will be right here:

*makes placeholder because he hasn't even started writing this yet*

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go dream about the wondrous season of Christmas. Oh sorry, I meant Holiday season. Don't worry, I'm half on your side. 

Game Review #9: Emily is Away

As games progress in graphical quality to the constantly moving intersection of "more realistic" and "able to be complained about by immersion purists", there's something that can be said about games that just refuse to participate in the whole process and intentionally make their games look as though they couldn't be bothered to use more than two pixels per object, and that's half the reason the current indie gaming scene is drowning in rogue-likes. But then there's also some who just bypass the whole "graphics" thing altogether and call themselves "text-based" which at first glance seems a lot like saying "I don't know how to make any sort of graphics, so let me just tell you what's happening." But this isn't quite the case in Emily is Away, a free to play interactive story by Kyle Seeley that defends its lack of any visuals to shake a stick at by having the whole game take place in AOL instant message. Now for those of you who are asking your parents what that is right now because you're too young to understand how amazing this new-fangled instant communication through the Internets was back in 2002, do you think they'd mind explaining it to me as well? To tell you the truth, I don't entirely see why it needed to be such an outdated piece of technology. You probablycould've replaced it with text messages and it wouldn't have changed much. There may have at least been a couple of pictures here and there which the game probably needed seeing how the game has us attempting to date a girl that we never see and have no motivation to really go after. Come on, at least show us what she looks like! She doesn't even have to be that hot; just give us something to want. 

As I was beginning to explain, the game follows a young man named Yourname who is attempting to escape the friend zone with a girl named Emily by engaging in conversation over AOL instant message that definitely isn't digging him deeper into the friend zone. The plot advances through your various dialogue options which all have varying degrees of "Rogue Protagonist Syndrome." Several of them seem like they're about to be a great pick up line but then once you see the full thing, you're left scouring your entire keyboard to find the "Choose a Different Sentence" button. And you might be thinking "That couldn't be too much of a problem," but you're forgetting that you probably just finished criticizing some AAA game that happens to have a dialogue options system that isn't even close to its main gameplay feature for doing the same thing. And don't act like you don't know what game I could possibly be talking about, Vault Boy. So why should this game get a pass when you're barely giving one to this mystery AAA game that may or may not have Deathclaws? So is this game getting a 10/10? No. It never was. But is it getting a 0? Absolutely not. It still has a compelling story that keeps you playing until the final message is sent if for no other reason than you want to be able to think of your virtual persona getting some action from the hottest girl you know named Emily, and coincidentally, I happen to know some hot Emily's. Just saying. Hey don't judge me! Ok, fine the tone changed quickly and weirdly there; lets just pretend that never happened and instead admire how good I am at using semicolons. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go role play as Peter Griffin in a post apocalyptic Boston. The secret is dump everything in Endurance, Charisma, and Luck and never touch Intelligence or Perception. Do what you want with Strength and Agility.

Game Review #8: Undertale

So if you haven't existed in the last few months, I should probably fill you in on the fact that the parasite that is the Internet has found a new innocent host to feed off of, and believe me, Deviantart hasn't yet spared a single bit of the thing resulting in a Genocide run of your peace of mind. Although I may have not gotten the best representation of the community. All I really did was check its subreddit, and if you go on one of those, you need to have a Deviantart, the same way that you need to have an imgur, a tumblr, and a password that contains one letter, one number, 3 element abbreviations (which have to be separate from the letters you choose), 2 Old Spice products, and binary code that makes up a picture of your favorite animal, and if it isn't your favorite animal, we will know and we will hunt you down. Well, if you've forgotten the one hint I've given you hidden in that wall of text already, I'm talking about Undertale. 

Undertale is a retro style RPG and BINGO. I'm sold. If you don't know me, RPGs are sort of my thing, and retro is just always a cool thing to have especially if you intend to sell your INDIE GAME on STEAM. But if it still doesn't sound like your thing, you haven't see the whole thing yet. Whilst the battles maintain the traditional turn-based style that I personally love, a bunch of quirks and new ideas make it unique and ingenious. First of all, you don't have to kill a single enemy (keyword: have to). Instead, you're encouraged to strike up a conversation and spare your opponents. If you do, you'll still get money but you won't get EXP. "But LKIF, if I do that, I won't get any more HP, so I'll die quicker! This is dumb! Screw this game!" Well I'm so glad you decided to be a whiny bitch, because now I have an excellent segway into the next point. The battles also incorporate a system of dodging attacks in a sort of bullet hell mini-game. It's a hugely unexpected concept that really makes the whole thing feel more engaging. “But LKIF, if I can just dodge all the attacks then it couldn’t possibly be challenging! Boo! 7.8/10 too much dodging!” Well, apparently you’ve never played a bullet hell game before because if you did, you’d really understand how much precision you have to deal with, dodging out of the way of a plethora of missiles, bones, knives, and, of course, the all important palette swaps of vomit.

The story excels in both content and presentation. Characters are colorful, in and outside of battle, and have relationships that are interesting and fun to learn. The story starts with a fairly cliché backstory of a war between humans and monsters until the monsters were forced underground, but oh no! a human child of ambiguous gender has fallen into a hole and is trapped underground with all the monsters. And guess who you play as? So now you have to guide this little definitely female through the underground across perilous perils and such and—hold up a minute. This is an RPG; these characters aren't supposed to be memorable! They're supposed to be stereotypes and bores! This one must be defective. (Ok let's see here. I can't just take the cartridge out and blow on it. I could try uninstalling it and reinstalling it. Oh wait, I forgot to try turning it off and back on again! Wait, that didn't work? Ya know what let's just keep going and see what happens). Alrighty then, monsters will try to kill me to take my soul. No problem there. Hilarious skeleton brothers. Ok. Most meta RPG town ever. Fine. Catchy music the whole way through. Ya know I quite like this journ–HOLY SHIT EVERYTHING'S BLOWING UP. And that's all I can say before I get a bit too spoiler-y. 

Now while this may seem pretty underwhelming, bare in mind there's also the presentation that factors into it. There's three main ways you can play the game: Pacifist, Genocide, and Neutral. Pacifist involves sparing everything and never gaining a single EXP for a very specific reason that's very important and don't ask me what it is, go play it yourself. Neutral is sparing and killing as you so choose which is one of the easiest to do, but probably no one's favorite. And then there's Genocide where you murder everyone and everything because our minds have been programmed by every other game ever to believe that monsters deserve death. To tell you the full truth, I've never finished a Genocide playthrough, because I just couldn't bring myself to kill all these characters I grew so attached to in my other playthroughs. I got pretty far in one but, in the end, I just couldn't do it. And that's probably one of my favorite parts of Undertale, because it's the first game in a long time that's made me feel bad for doing something. It's been so long since a game has made you really feel bad for doing anything, especially killing something. I mean, video games are the only thing that will literally give you points for killing multiple people in a row. Have you ever gotten a kill streak while watching a movie or reading a book? I suppose you could get a real life kill streak but that is called BEING A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER. But while Undertale will technically reward you with an interesting new story for murdering everybody, it will call you out on how much of a psycho you're being the whole time right up to the end where you have to do the most intense final boss battle ever with some of the best monologues in gaming history that make you feel like an asshole. And that is Undertale.

Recently, Undertale received multiple nominations in the Game Awards including RPG of the year (but unfortunately it's up against Witcher and Fallout so I wouldn't think it's getting very far on that one) but it's also nominated for Games for Change, which it definitely deserves. Undertale truly is a game like no other. It brilliantly comments on the current gaming industry and simultaneously advances the industry through its own new ideas. Every moment you aren't playing Undertale, you're having a bad time.