Off Topic with The LIKF: My Least Favorite Games of All Time

So I'm assuming that you're back to see the bloodbath. Well who needs intros then? It's time to see which games I've absolutely hated over the years, the kinds of games that make my parents say "Well you made me buy it so you have to finish it." Note this is limited to games I've played, so you're not gonna see any E.T. or Superman 64 on this list. Without further ado, here's the bottom 5:

5. Fire Emblem (the first one they gave America)

I don't have anything against Fire Emblem in particular. What I simply can't stand is the genre: Strategy RPG. I feel they take almost all the excitement out of RPGs and reduce them to odd games of chess with occasional action sequences. And this game is a huge offender of that crime. Beyond that, the pacing is terrible, with the tutorial taking what feels like more time than the rest of the game and not providing any information that you couldn't figure out on your own, making the game even less exciting. But for all you Fire Emblem fans out there, just know that there may come a day when I try to play another SRPG and that takes this game's spot, but until then, what many consider one of the greatest games ever is on my bottom of the barrel list. At least Roy is awesome.

4. Lost Via Domus

Though Lost is one of my favorite shows, when I tried playing its video game, I was quite underwhelmed. The result of one of the most cryptic, exciting shows' entrance into the gaming scene was one of the most linear, boring, "go here, do that" games I've ever played. What's that, person who's read my reviews before? You're confused that I don't like this type of game because I'm a JRPG fan? Well, this shit doesn't have dragons, now does it? Beyond this poor game design, this game has become infamous in my house as being "the proof that Jack sucks at video games" all because I couldn't figure out where the next god damn section of that god damn cave was because it was too god damn dark to see a god damn thing in the caves of this god damn... I'm sorry you had to read that.

3. Call of Duty Black Ops (Wii version)

I enjoyed Black Ops on the PS3. I assume it was just as good on the 360 though I've never owned an Xbox console in my life. Meanwhile, the Wii got the definitive worst version of one of the last decent Call of Duty games. Let me level of with you all: Motion controls are never really very good. And first person shooters with motion controls are legitimately terrible most of the time. You probably won't even be able to keep the controller in the right place all the time, since you have to hold the Wiimote out with the nunchuck directly behind it and just because I'm sure Nintendo doesn't understand this concept, people's arms get tired! If you intend on playing this game, you should definitely get the Wii zapper peripheral so that it won't feel as awkward trying to keep the controllers in the right place. But even with that, your reticle will never stay still and will never move to the place you really want it to. I bet it's compatible with some traditional controller, but no matter what you use to play this thing, it just doesn't look very good. I don't know if this version is a lower resolution, but it's at least a lower frame rate. It just looks like complete garbage and should be treated as such.

2. Sonic '06

I don't even feel the need to explain why this game is on the list; instead I should probably explain why it's not number 1. Ya see, the thing is... It's kinda hilarious. I mean, I don't get enjoyment out of it as a game, that's for sure, but I get some odd enjoyment out of how glitchy and weird it is. I mean, you can walk up loops sometimes. That might at first come off as insulting to the player because you're not bothering to fix a critical error in the game, but come on, that's hilarious! Just watching him casually go up until he's walking on the wall and then upside down and then back the right way all at the speed of a leisurely stroll is incredibly entertaining. So is it a good game? No. Did I waste my money? Yeah, kinda. If an indie developer made this, would I give him a pass and just screw around trying to find new ways to break the game. Totally.

1. Call of Duty Ghosts

This is, by far, the worst game I've ever played. This game is so bad, I couldn't play first person shooters for a long time. It took six months for me to try another one, and that was Borderlands 2, one of my now favorite games of all time, and the reason I bought it was because it had RPG elements and a cel-shaded art style. It took my favorite genre and my favorite art style being mixed in to get me to play another FPS after Ghosts. That's the equivalent of putting your dog's pill in peanut butter so he doesn't just spit it out. Point is, this game put a real bad taste in my mouth. I can't even remember all the reasons I hate it other than I just couldn't feel myself having any fun with it. Now, I don't buy CoD games anymore. I scold my friends for buying them. And I take pity on myself for ever having enjoyed that franchise... 

Well, that's it I guess. What about you? What games do you think you'll love forever? What games do you want to slap yourself for buying? Let me know down in the comments. Right now, I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, so you should probably look forward to some new reviews coming very soon. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go convince my brothers to play UnderTale. Someone has to do it.

Movie Review #1: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Hey, person! Are you going to see the new Star Wars? Wait a second. Why do I need to ask when I already know that you're a person? Of course you are! But now here's the problem: You shouldn't. I don't normally review films, but this one was just so heartbreakingly bad that I just knew from the moment I walked out of that theater that I had to let the world know. And in this review, I'll be covering character developing moments pretty in-depth, so careful of spoilers.

The first thing you'll notice is that this movie is eerily similar to the the fourth (or just the first if you deny the existence of the prequels): in the last few seconds before he gets captured, someone that you don't care about yet puts something we don't know the full importance of yet into a robot we all already love. The robot then treks across a dessert until it gets to some rag tag kid who's probably gonna be a Jedi. (Oh and there's some shit about a Black storm trooper going on at the same time in the new one, which actually started out quite well, but then since they realized they were about to make an actual new story, they scrapped the ending and just finished off their "A New New Hope" plot). And there's also this new big bad guy who has a badass mask and rightfully acts like a badass... Until he takes it off. Could they have possibly picked a worse actor to portrait Kylo Ren? He looks like a Jewish version of Jon Snow and talks like a complete loser. Every part of him that you thought was edgy and intimidating will from then on just look like him being a whiny bitch. After that point, which is only about halfway through the film, you'll never be able to take Kylo Ren seriously anymore, even when he puts the mask back on! Just a few minutes after he takes the mask off, he has it on again while having a fit of rage. Now if he had never taken his mask off, you would find this somewhat intimidating, maybe even epic. But since you know what he actually looks like, you just see him as a toddler having a fit. Why? For what purpose? His face isn't even important because you already know who he is before this, and even if you didn't, seeing his face wouldn't even give you the first clue. If I haven't hinted enough yet, Ren isn't Luke in any sense whatsoever. Ya wanna know what Luke is? The cameo that paid for the sequel! His one appearance is the very last scene that ends on a "What's gonna happen next?!!!!!" moment that basically turns the movie into a contract to watch the next one. I didn't even enjoy this one! In Empire, they do a thing like that and make the next movie mandatory viewing, but Empire was good! And Jedi was good. But this movie doesn't deserve a cliff hanger like that.

Also, the story takes completely unnecessary turns that, in more than one case, just defy the movie we saw in all the advertising. "Oh, it turns out that Rey was the true inheritor of Luke's lightsaber, not Finn!" Well that's boring. Like I said before, Finn's character and story were the only tolerable thing about this film, and the fact that they took away his acceptance into the cool guy club just proves that they didn't want to risk making a new story. Well, here's a thought: Maybe you should, I don't know, operate under the assumption that you don't have a choice. No other franchises just copy their best success and expect to do just as well with it, because it's a known fact that the copy is volumes worse than the original for whatever reason. And the reason this copy was worse was in all truth for one reason: Expansion.

Instead of one in-over-his-head rebellion recruit who's gonna end up with a lightsaber, let's have 2 and have them be a woman and a Black storm trooper! Instead of one masked (implied) badass, let's have 2! Instead of a Death Star that can destroy a planet, let's have a Death Planet that can destroy 6! And because they expanded the first movie's content without really even expanding the running time, none of the new content is given enough time. The new silver storm trooper with the name I can't spell makes no impact on the story behind giving them a chance to make a trash compactor joke. They never give me a reason to care about Rey until they held up the sign that said "Care about Rey now." And Ren being the son of Han Solo was barely more than a detail that gave us some connection to Ren so that we don't have another one of those "General Grievous exists, by the way" moments from the last movie. Even when Ren kills Han, I didn't even care. Provided it was 1 in the morning at that point, but when a movie truly makes me not care about Han Solo– no, Harrison Ford in general, you're doing it wrong.

And so in all these ways, Disney has managed to do the impossible: They made a Star Wars movie that could very well be worse than Episode 1. The story is uninspired, the characters are undeveloped, and the title is literally a throw away line. Long live Jar Jar Abrams.

Off Topic with The LKIF: My Top Five Games of All Time

So since this site just achieved the milestone of 1000 page views (and yes I'm treating that as a milestone) I decided to do something a little different today. If it hasn't occurred to you quite yet, I like video games, and I have some pretty strong opinions about several of them. I have ones that I absolutely love and couldn't live without, and I have ones that wish would just stop existing. So I think it's time for you all to know exactly how I feel about my top and bottom five games of all time. Now these will range from games that I feel are the most important to me to ones that I feel are the best they could possibly be to games that I have literally returned for 10% of the original price. Of course, will be explaining my choices, but they definitely won't amount to the size of a full review. So without further ado, let's get on with the list.

5. Pokemon HeartGold/ SoulSilver

As I've said before, Pokemon has basically always been a part of my life and none more so than the Johto region's offerings. I grew up with the Johto anime and have a strong connection with the region, its lore, and nearly all of its Pokemon. So, when the remake of the original 2nd generation games came out, I was pretty hyped. I mean, I was ten, but I was as hyped as a ten-year-old could be. And I must say, it was with perfect reason. Pokemon hasn't changed much over the years and I’m glad of it. Although many are claiming that its formula is getting a bit stale but I haven't grown anywhere close to tired of it. If you know me personally, I'm a big fan of old JRPGs that haven't been tainted by modern game design yet, and that's mostly because of Pokemon. HeartGold was only my second Pokemon game as well, my first being Pearl, so I have plenty of personal attachment to this game in particular. And finally, THIS GAME IS THE BEST POKEMON GAME EVER. It just succeeds as a Pokemon game on so many levels. And that's why I feel right about giving it the starting position on my list.

4. Xenoblade Chronicles

How can I put this grand adventure into perspective. This game almost perfectly blends the narrative mastery and turn-based feel of Japanese RPGs with the exploration capabilities and action-y combat of Western RPGs. The game is filled to the brim with quests that if you looked at from far away you couldn't tell the difference between but they never feel tedious. There's miles upon miles of area to explore and every place you go to has something to do, and if not, at least it probably has a view. And the story is one of the best on the Wii. I can't say much about it, and even if this were a full review, I probably wouldn't say a lot about it because Xenoblade Chronicles is an experience that I'd recommend to anyone with a Wii (or a New 3DS [or a Wii U {or a connection to YouTube if you're that desperate}]). And if you're wondering about my thoughts on the spiritual successor, Xenoblade Chronicles X, you could probably check back after Christmas...

3. Splatoon

I can't say enough good about this game. I wanted this game so much that I asked for it for my birthday, then got impatient and bought it myself, and that extra two or three days playing was totally worth pissing off my parents. This game is essential to anyone with a Wii U. Spreading ink everywhere you go is so soothing to the average OCD gamer that when you try to go back to another shooter, you'll be depressed to find that shooting the ground won't do anything and then immediately go back to playing Splatoon because you can definitely get another game in before you have to go to bed or school or work or your wedding or your birth... My point is Splatoon is going to be my favorite shooter for a long time which is why it's been able to get a spot on this list without even being an RPG. And now back to your regularly expected genre.

2. Kingdom Hearts II

I love Square Enix. I like Disney. I didn't expect to even care about Kingdom Hearts. But a few years ago, my friends convinced me to play it and I was blown away. The game just felt right. The story was well-crafted, the gameplay was balanced and made me feel powerful, and the crossover elements were just crazy enough to be fantastic. And the sequel enhanced on every part of it. Every system was expanded upon or replaced with a better one. The story was enhanced, lengthened, and made to hit the feels harder. Though many will say that Nobodies made Kingdom Hearts into a narrative shitstorm where nothing is canon and everyone is Xehanort, I found the will to somewhat comprehend the story and I love it. And if Kingdom Hearts 3 ever comes out, it'll be on top of my To Play List. But this isn't my favorite game ever. Before we get to that game, let's take a look at some honorable mentions:

Super Smash Bros Melee

This was quite possibly the first game I ever played, and the fact that I still occasionally play it today speaks volumes.

Borderlands 2

The first-person shooter that made me stop hating first-person shooters. It's probably because of Claptrap.

Super Smash Bros Wii U

Such a great game to just kick back and have fun with. Great local multiplayer; great online multiplayer; great single player experience; and compatibility with the only controller that matters.

1. UnderTale

What can I even say? This game is, without a doubt, my favorite game of all time and doesn't look like it's about to be topped anytime soon. I love every inch of this game. The story is compelling and keeps you coming back for more every time you finish; the battle system is intensely innovative and should be in every game; and the world is fleshed out in a way that only modern RPGs have been able to do beforehand. I've tried hard, but I can't find one thing glaringly wrong with this game. Sure it could be better but only in the same way that Donald Trump could be louder, but does he really need to be for you to call him a basket case and yes I am bringing that expression back. So what's stopping me from calling this game a Masterpiece. You could say this is my game of the year, but I wouldn't say that. UnderTale means far more to me than just better than every other game this year. UnderTale is a game I'll be replaying, raving over, and fondly looking back on for the rest of my life. UnderTale is more than my game of the year; it's my Game of the Lifetime.

If you enjoyed seeing me gush over the games I unconditionally love, perhaps you'd like to see me rant about the games I loathe. So come back (hopefully, at my rate) next week to see my bottom five games of all time.

When that goes up, the link will be right here:

*makes placeholder because he hasn't even started writing this yet*

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go dream about the wondrous season of Christmas. Oh sorry, I meant Holiday season. Don't worry, I'm half on your side.